Banished Butler Boozefest: My Ex, A Samurai, and A Murder Mystery
Okay, where the holy hellfest do I start? So there I am, right, at this godforsaken party. Like one of those parties where you really hate almost everyone but you go anyway because one of your mates told you your ex is going to be there with her new squeezable, squishable, sushiable (yes, she's a sushi chef, so what?) dude. So, it’s a rarified kind of self-torture one only inflicts upon himself when he’s completely devoid of self-respect... or just really fucking bored.
Now, mind you, this isn’t just any party. It’s a murder mystery party, and we all have roles to play. Fucking Minty, right? He’s the host and he’s done a whiz-bang job of it, like he’s got props and costumes and all. Too bad he forgot the most important thing. COMMON FUCKING SENSE! But more on that later.
I get this envelope when I arrive. Inside, it’s got all the details for my character: Bartholomeo the Butler, a servant with a pocket full of secrets and a penchant for nosebleeds (seriously, Minty?). My character insists on being called Bartholomeo instead of Bart just to needlessly complicate social interactions. He sounds like an absolute wanker, but I guess it's a bit like typecasting at this point?
So there I am in my sexy little pinstripe suit, bow tie choking the life out of me, white gloves so I look like a cross between Mickey Mouse and a mob boss. Just as I'm trying to figure out if my character's allergic to peanuts because I saw some satay skewers that looked fucking delicious, along storms my ex, Lydia. She's a flapper girl or something and draped on her arm is Kenji, her new chef guy who, inconveniently, is dressed as a fucking samurai.
Kenji is like every anime dream come true. Peculiar hairstyle? Check. Intense squinty eyes? Check. A sword that’s likely technically illegal? Fucking check. Why should I be surprised, though? Lydia once dated a guy who literally thought he was Thor, waving around a comically oversized hammer and yelling Asgardian gibberish.
And so the party goes on. I’m butler-ing, they’re giggle-watering. Until...DUN DUN DUNNNN… the lights go out. Somebody screams. The lights flick back on, and guess what? Minty’s ‘dead’ on the floor. Murder mystery, blah, blah, plot twist, yadda yadda.
So, everyone starts trying to figure out who ‘killed’ Minty. Cross-questioning, accusations, the whole nine yards. Kenji, in his samurai getup, is a prime suspect. Because, you know, actual fucking sword. I’m smirking in my corner. If only internal monologues could be heard.
The ‘investigation’ is in full swing as I mingle around, dropping ‘clues’, when Shelly, a ditzy damsel player, says “Bartholomeo must've done it. Old crook probably stole Minty's diamond cufflinks too!”
What. The. Actual. Fuck? I mean, the backstory’s there, but is she serious? Plus, I notice Kenji subtly nodding along behind his sake 'Cool it, Kenshin', I think, but say nothing.
Cut to several hours later. I'm being ostracized in a corner, everyone's pretty accurately accusing me, and my ex is cozying up with Samurai Sushi Guy. He, by the way, is growing on me. Might get some Japanese lessons from him or something.
Anyway, the ‘detective’ concludes that Bartholomeo, aka ME, was indeed the sneaky butler fiend. I was out for revenge against my mean master, Minty, because of some imaginary past digressions. Yeah, riveting stuff. As my punishment, I was to be ‘banished’ from the mansion. Which meant from the party.
And this is where shit gets real. As I'm being 'banished', through the proverbial door, I see Lydia lean into Kenji. They exchange words, giggles, and…AND… a kiss. Right there. Yeah. My ex, snogging her sushi samurai!
And there I was, alone, 'banished' but actually just cold and miserable outside, watching them. My ex, who I came to make jealous, practically eating the face off her new stud muffin. It was the pinnacle of self-inflicted misery.
I kicked a conveniently placed gnome for good measure. Bartholomeo, the butler had been murdered too, by humiliation.
So yeah, one of THOSE nights, reddit. Ex didn’t even notice me. Got blamed for murder. Banished in the cold. Kicked a gnome. Worst part is, I never got to try those satay skewers. That's the real tragedy here.
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