**TIFU by Giving The Three Pigs a Modern Makeover**

Title: TIFU by Trying to Spice up Children's Fables

Okay, okay, hear me out. I'm a high school English teacher. I love my job. I love my students. But goddamn, do they sometimes make me question my sanity. But tonight wasn't their fault. It was mine. And it was one of those mistakes that keeps you up at night, staring at the ceiling fan, and wondering if an asteroid is gonna hit the earth and finish your misery.

Enough of the existential dread, let's dive in.

So, I'm tired of the same old bullshit children's stories. You know the ones: Little Red Riding Hood, Three Little Pigs, Jack and the Beanstalk. They're outdated, covered in mothballs, and stink of lessons about moral values that make even the sweetest cherubs roll their eyes so hard, they almost fall out of their sockets.

So I think to myself, why not jazz it up? Why not take these stories and make them relevant, snappy, modern? Reimagine them in such a way that they could even make a Kardashian smirk.

I chose 'Three Little Pigs' cause, let's be real, the tale of three brothers (or are they friends? Cousins? Roommates with unspoken sexual tension? Who fucking knows!) learning about the importance of hard work and perseverance is the sort of shit that can put an insomniac to sleep.

I spent the WHOLE goddamn night rewriting it. Now, the pigs were hipsters. They loved avocados, took pointless Polaroids, listened to vinyl records, and used words like "artisanal" and "analogue".

And the wolf? Well, he's a health and fitness influencer with six-pack abs and an obsession with overpriced smoothie bowls.

In my version, the pigs don't build houses. Nah, they're building start-ups. Two fail spectacularly, because, as we know, they half-ass their efforts. The last one is a success because he put in the time and effort. Moral lesson: don't half-ass things, kids.

I was so proud of my revamped story, I could've patted myself on the back for a week.

On the teaching day, I began, wearing a smirk as wide as Texas. The kids were confused, but they were listening. The room was so silent you could hear a pin drop.

Then came the wolf. I went in detail about his fitness regime, his diet, his passion for smoothie bowls. And THIS is where I fucked up.

I said, and I quote verbatim, "The wolf loves smoothie bowls. He loves guzzling them down, feeling the burst of flavors. He can't get enough of the thick, creamy texture that drips down his throat, just like—"

Yep. Pause. Awkward fucking silence. The smirk on my face froze, like a pervert caught pants down at a nunnery. I tried to save it. I really did. But all I managed was a lame, "Like... uh, a good... umm, smoothie bowl."

The kids erupted. They were laughing, crying, slapping their desks. I swear, one of them even fell off their chair. The laughter was contagious, and even I was laughing, but more from the sheer nervous energy.

So here I am, at 2 am, writing this goddamn post because I have to report to the same students tomorrow morning. And I have no idea how to face them after my Freudian slip.

Moral of the story? Don't try to be cool. Don't try to be funny. Stick with the stupid, boring, old-fashioned tales because the moment you try to "upgrade," you find yourself in a shitstorm of your own making.

There you have it, folks. How I fucked up by trying to be the cool teacher. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a date with a bottle of Jack Daniel's. The bastard is the only one who'll understand me tonight.

TL;DR: Tried to modernize 'Three Little Pigs', ended up making a sexual innuendo in front of my high school students. Now, I'm contemplating a career change.