The Date From Hell: When Chad's Red Flags Turned Neon

Wow okay buckle up, because I’ve got a whole saga of my *ultimate* dating disaster for you. Like, this is the kind of story you tell your friends, but secretly wish you could erase from your memory ‘cause it’s THAT embarrassing. But hey, maybe someone will get some vicarious laughs out of it, or at least feel a little better knowing they’re not the only one who’s had a *complete* trainwreck of a dating experience.

So, picture this. I was freshly single after a year-long breakup, feeling all steamy and hopeful about the possibility of *new* love. The kind of fragile hope that’s probably better kept in a jar somewhere but hey, I rolled the dice anyway. Swiped right on this guy I’d seen a thousand times but never really paid attention to. Call him Chad (not his real name, but honestly it *was* Chad). He seemed alright, a little bit of an Instagram influencer vibe but also kinda funny and quirky.

Our first date: We agree to meet at this cute, artsy coffee shop downtown, you know the one with the vintage furniture and way-too-expensive avocado toast. I show up, feeling a little nervous but trying to play it cool. Chad’s already there, sitting at a table scrolling through his phone like he’s watching a live stream of his own life. He looks *exactly* like his pics, maybe a little hotter in person, so I’m thinking, ok, not too bad.

We start chatting, and… things are going okay? Until he drops the bomb, no, not the actual bomb, but some *really* questionable stories about his exes. The first one was about his last ex being "crazy" because she got jealous when he took a selfie with his best friend, a girl. Says she "lashed out" at him, threw some wine, and called him *offensively* bad names. Okay, red flag. I smirk, thinking, hmm, some drama, but maybe he’s just exaggerating?

Then, things get weirder. He starts talking about a girl he devoured in college, and I honestly don’t believe him because he’s just *so* obsessed with how he "totally smashed" her and how she was into BDSM and domination. I think he’s talking about himself, but okay, sure. Then, he casually mentions he’s bisexual and "still has a thing for girls". Mmmkay. So, I’m already doing mental gymnastics trying to keep up.

As the conversation drifts along, I notice he’s periodically checking out every woman that walks by. It’s kind of blatant, honestly, like he’s a *little* obsessed with the idea of women, but I try not to think about that. The food arrives, and he immediately starts talking about how he’s on a *keto* diet but also loves sweets. Odd combo, but I roll with it.

Then, out of nowhere, he pulls out this phone and says, "You have to see this meme." It’s a meme of puppies, but the caption is about biting your arm off if you bother it. I blink, feeling the first wave of “what the hell” wash over me. He shows me *again* and says, “This is so me when someone tries to cheat at chess.” Uh, okay. I chuckle, because honestly I’m just *trying* not to bolt.

Then, the moment takes a turn I never saw coming. He starts talking about his *favorite* thing— which is apparently *massively* inappropriate and not suitable for polite company. Basically, he’s a fan of some extremely inappropriate *fetish* stuff, and I’m just thinking, *Did* I just hit a jackpot of awkward? Because now I’m sitting here, eyes wide, trying not to think about what I’ve just heard, but also knowing that what I *really* want is to vanish into thin air.

So, I decide, maybe I’ll just ask about his hobbies, right? To change the subject. Big mistake. Because then he launches into a detailed story about how he once *accidentally* hooked up at a party with his best friend’s sister, which involved an awkward confession of feelings, some drunken fumbling, and a *lot* of regrets. And then he tries to justify it because he says he "wasn’t feeling emotionally available at the time." Sure, Chad. We all have that kind of *emotional* turmoil, don’t we?

By now, it’s been like an hour and a half of what I can only describe as *one* of the wildest, most cringe-worthy dates I’ve ever been on. I keep looking at my phone for an escape route, but I realize I didn’t bring my phone out to the bathroom, like I always do. Because I was trusting Chad not to be a complete sociopath!

And then, just as I START to think maybe I can politely finish this thing and make a clean getaway… he leans in and says, “Hey, you know I’m really into astrology.” I’m already mentally checking out, but I humor him and ask what his sign is. Turns out he’s a Scorpio—because of course he is. But then he says, “I don’t normally tell people this, but I believe Scorpios can *really* read people’s minds.” And I swear, I blinked so hard I probably hallucinated.

I try to keep it together, but honestly, by this point, I just want to disappear. I make some excuse about needing to wash my hands and *bolt* to the bathroom—only I don’t come back. I just leave. Couldn’t even fake the "Nice to meet you" again. The guy’s perfect storm of *chaos.*

So… moral of the story? Dating is a *minefield.* You never know what kind of weirdo disaster might be waiting behind a charming smile. Or maybe I’m just genuinely cursed at this point. But hey, I’ve survived it, and I’ve got a whole new appreciation for the phrase “it’s a *red flag* mountain.” And for anyone else out there—if your gut says *run*, PLEASE run. Because some of us really have to learn the hard way.

Oh! Also, fun fact I just learned: couples who laugh together are 60% more likely to get through awkward situations (according to some weird psychology study). So, maybe the next time I go on a date, I’ll just bring a joke book and call it therapeutic.

Anyway, thanks for listening. Hopefully, my next disaster will be *less* disastrous, but honestly, I kinda doubt it.

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