"The Day I Burned My Chances (Literally) with My Crush"

So, I thought I had the worst day ever, but now I’m sitting here on my floor, two shots deep into a bottle of cheap tequila, thinking, “You know what? Maybe it’s time to just admit it. I am a human disaster. I swear to god, I was spawned from a lima bean and Murphy’s Law. Fuck it, let me confess the sheer size of my epic failures to strangers. 'Cause why the fuck not, amiright?”

Okay. So, today started off like any other cursed Tuesday. I’m perpetually late and in a committed relationship with the snooze button, so no surprises there. I stumble around my apartment, shrugging on a shirt that’s seen better days and jeans that I have worn for a suspiciously long time.

So, I drag ass into the office late, right? And there she is. Perfect, lovely, smells like heaven Jenna. Beautiful, endearing, talented, too-good-for-my-shit Jenna. God, I have the biggest, dumbest crush on this chick, and everyone knows it. Problem is, she’s in a relationship with Brad, who is, unfortunately for me, the nicest fucking guy ever.

So, back to this morning. I see Jenna, who is looking extraordinarily radiant today. But Jenna also looks mad. Like, “I’m gonna rip someone’s head off” sort of pissed. But being the oblivious fuckwit I am, I decide it’s a perfect time to show off my stellar coffee making skills and maybe score some brownie points.

I make two cups of coffee, one for me and one for Jenna, brainstorming pick-up lines that I won't use, like the coward that I am. And just as my nervous ass is about to chicken out, this goddammed universe decides to throw me an opportunity.

Jenna stormed out of Brad's office, steam practically coming out of her ears. SCORE! I decide to be the knight in shining armor, swooping in with a cup of coffee to console her. Did I mention Brad is also my boss? I was playing with fire and gasoline dipped sticks, but man, I was also desperately trying to impress Jenna.

I approach Jenna with a very risque “Hey Jenna, everything alright?” She looks up at me, pissed and irritated, and mumbles something about 'keyboard warriors and relationship advice.' I immediately start backpedaling in my mind, but the words "Maybe you and Brad just need some time apart?" have already left my mouth.

I’m grinning like a goddamn idiot, right? Jenna’s beautiful face turns a shade of red I’ve never seen before. And just when I thought I could make matters worse, Brad appears behind me.

Goddammit.

Brad likely heard me indirectly suggesting that his girlfriend should dump him with the subtlety of a fucking rhino. And the worst part? He just looked really disappointed. Not screaming, not shouting, just an older-brother sort of disappointment that makes you feel two inches tall.

As my entire being is shriveling up into a tiny ball of self-hatred, I realize that I never handled Jenna the coffee that was now slowly burning my hand. In my shame and embarrassment, I overextend and TILT the fucking mug.

Did I mention I make incredibly HOT coffee?

The scalding liquid lands right in Jenna’s lap. She screams. I scream. Brad is just standing there with a face that screams “Oh, for fuck's sake”.

In the end, Jenna burned her leg, had to go home, and I’m pretty sure she’s blocked my number. Brad is probably planning my slow, agonizing death, and I am contemplating my life choices while dancing with a bottle of tequila.

So yeah, that's my day. If anyone needs a masterclass on 'How to Fuck up Spectacularly' hit me up, I am the reigning champion.

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