The Time My Conspiracy Binge Led to a Paranormal Pizza Delivery
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Okay, look, I've had wine. A lot of wine. The kind of wine night where you're not quite sure how far into the bottle you are until you lift it and it's a lot lighter than you expect. And here I am, typing away with greasy pizza fingers because something fucking weird happened tonight and I'm not really sure why I'm even telling you strangers about this, but there's this messed up feeling in my gut and I guess I just need to pour my heart out to the void of the internet. Or maybe get a little validation that I'm not going completely batshit.
So, let's set the stage. Here I am, a fully grown adult, well past the age of thirty, living in this cramped apartment, laid off from my job due to the pandemic, and I've recently become OBSESSED with conspiracy theories. Not the harmful kind, I promise you. I'm not a flat-earther, anti-vaxer or anything like that. No, I'm talking about the "fun" conspiracies. Aliens, government secrets, cryptids, you name it, I've been down the rabbit hole.
Tonight, it was all about the lizard people. Yeah, you heard right. Fucking lizard people. You know, the theory that half the world leaders are actually humanoid reptiles in disguise plotting global domination? Yep. That one.
So, I'm knee-deep in this lizard people documentary, my laptop screen illuminating my face with all kinds of cray-cray, when I decide to order pizza. Now, when I get really absorbed in something and make a call, I tend to subconsciously mirror what I'm watching. This might not have been the best night to have that flaw.
When the dude took my order, I accidentally slipped into this weird, semi-dramatic voice, like I was narrating a conspiracy doc of my own. I ordered an extra-large cheese pizza, but I said shit like, "I need an XL circle of dough, concealed under a layer of molten cheese, stealthily delivered to my doorstep."
There was a pause. Then the pizza guy responded in kind, "Affirmative. One undercover cheese disc will be with you in approximately 30 human minutes. Stay frosty."
We hung up, and I admit, I felt a weird thrill. Was I a little too entertained? Fuck yes. Did I feel like I just ordered pizza from a secret agent? Hell yeah.
But here's where it gets fucking weird.
So, I'm waiting for my pizza, and I'm back to the lizard people documentary. The narrator is talking about how lizard people have this odd thing for triangles. Something about sacred geometry or what-the-fuck-ever. Now, this is when I start hearing these weird noises outside my apartment.
I pause the video and go to the window. The street is deserted except for this kid. He's wearing a hoodie, couldn't have been more than seventeen or eighteen. He's got a can of spray paint, and he's doing some kind of graffiti on the sidewalk across my building.
Fuck me sideways, the kid was spray-painting triangles. Right at that moment. Right after I heard about lizard people's thing for triangles.
I'm not sure if it's the wine working its magic or the allure of my own conspiracy, but I go into full-on espionage mode. I stay at the window, sipping my wine, keeping an eye on triangle boy.
I nearly choke on my pinot noir when there's a knock at my door. It's the pizza delivery guy.
I open the door, there's my pizza guy. Except, he's also wearing a hoodie, just like the graffiti guy. Only this one's got a cap on, and he's got these big, dark sunglasses despite it being pitch dark outside. He hands me the pizza box, says, "Stay frosty," and leaves.
I open the pizza box. There are fucking triangles cut into the cheese. The pizza is still whole, but there are these little triangular cuts all over it.
Trying not to freak out, I pay another visit to the window. The graffiti boy’s gone. In his place, there's a perfect triangle on the sidewalk, glowing under the streetlight.
I'm leaning against the window, eating triangle-marked pizza, staring at a triangle on the sidewalk, and I'm not sure if I've lost my damn mind or if the universe is playing some cosmic prank on me.
And guys, I don't even know why the fuck I just typed all this out. But there it is. My Friday night. Conspiracy binging, wine guzzling, paranoid pizza eating, and suspecting kids of being lizard people because they like geometry.
Maybe I should stick to cat videos for a while.
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