The Snot-taco Disaster Date
So, I gotta tell you about the absolute *trainwreck* of a date I had last year. Honestly, I still can't believe how badly it all went south. Like, every possible awkward, embarrassing, cringey moment rolled into one. Strap in, folks.
Okay, so I match with this guy on a dating app. His profile seemed okay—pretty standard stuff: loves hiking, good food, dog lover, all that. We texted for a few days, and he seemed normal enough, no red flags. We decide to meet up at that new place downtown—wanted to try their tacos, and honestly, I was kinda excited, even if I’d been ghosted and stood up a bunch of times before.
The night of the date, I show up and he's already sitting there, looking a little nervous but smiling. First red flag: he’s wearing a shirt that’s clearly been through the laundry a hundred times—like, the collar’s frayed, and the buttons are mismatched. Not the biggest deal, right? Maybe he's just chill.
We order drinks, and things are going okay at first. We talk about jobs, hobbies, that kind of mundane stuff. Then I mention I love dogs, and he lights up, telling me about his Bernese Mountain Dog and how he’d love to get a puppy someday. Solid topic.
Then, it gets *weird*. He suddenly starts talking about his ex—like, a lot. Says she was “the one” but they broke up because she was “boring” or “not adventurous enough.” I mean, okay, breakups happen. But he’s almost venting in a way that’s a little too obsessed. I’m just sitting there trying to keep it light, while secretly thinking, “Can we switch to something happier?”
Here’s where it turns into a *disaster*. He orders tacos, and I go for a veggie plate. He’s eating these tacos with a passion, and I notice he's, like, licking his fingers constantly. I look away for a second, and suddenly—*slam!* He shoves a huge, greasy taco into his mouth without even biting—literally, it’s like he was trying to stuff the whole thing in like some kind of wild animal. I’m cringing because, well, *dude*, you might wanna cut that.
Then, it gets worse. He pulls out his phone to show me pictures of his dog. As he scrolls, his hand slips, and he ends up dropping his phone right into what I swear was the salsa bowl. Yep. His phone, in the salsa. He’s frozen for a second, then tries to fish it out, but it’s already coated in jalapeños and hot sauce. He then proceeds to *flick* the salsa off his phone with his fingers—like he's trying to shake it off. I couldn’t help but burst out laughing — because honestly, it was so *ridiculous*.
Now, for the pièce de résistance: As he's talking more about his dog, he suddenly leans over, and *poof*—starts sneezing uncontrollably. But not a normal sneeze. Oh no. It was a *massive* sneeze, and it came with a loud *blow*. The kind where you’d expect a *blood vessel* to pop. Except, that’s not the worst part. I watch in horror as—no joke—he sneezes *right* onto his plate of tacos. So now, his tacos are basically covered in nose germs and boogers. I mean, I don’t even want to imagine how that happened, but there I was, witnessing a sneeze-attack on a pretty much full plate of food.
He looks at me, all embarrassed, wipes his nose with a napkin (thank god), and apologizes profusely, saying, “Guess I’m just allergic to salsa or something.” Yeah, that checks out.
To make it even worse, he then tries to *laugh* it off, but his laugh sounds like a goose honking, and he’s coughing on and off after that. Honestly, I just wanted to get out of there, but I was trapped because I’d already bought my tacos and didn’t want to waste them.
I finally muster the courage to say I have to go. As I stand up, I realize I’ve spilled my drink trying not to laugh. He shrugs his shoulders and says, “Well, it’s been a *hot* date,” and I almost choke. Hot? Yeah, literally, because his tacos were *hot* and now so was the entire experience.
And then, as I walk away, I hear him shout after me, “Hey, maybe we can take the dog for a hike sometime. Just watch out for salsa boogers!”
Honestly, that entire night felt like a live episode of some cringe comedy show. But hey, at least I got a good story out of it, right? The lessons? Always carry hand sanitizer, never assume your date isn’t allergic to salsa, and maybe, just maybe—rethink that first date location.
Anyway, would I date the guy again? Hell no. But I do wonder if he ever decided to stick to boring exes, or if he’s still out there *sneezing* on every Taco Tuesday.
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