The Great Road Trip Disaster"

So, who here wants to hear about the time I decided to test my luck and embark on a cross-country road trip with my “bad vibes only” brother, one-eyed cat, and an antique car named Bessie? Grab your popcorn because this is going to be one he*ll of a ride.

Okay, let's set the scene. My brother and I, who haven't spent more than four hours together since the great Thanksgiving debacle of 2018, decide that driving across the country in a 1985 Ford Bronco is a good idea. I should've known better. The last road trip we took, he ended up puking all over the backseat after too many roadside tacos, and I got so lost, we almost ended up in Canada. But hey, what's life without a little risk, right?

So, we set out on this journey with our one-eyed cat, Winky, and a car that breaks down more often than a washed-up soap opera actor.

The first disaster struck just outside of Nevada. Bessie decided she wanted a break and, literally, broke down. In the middle of a desert. And guess who forgot to pack extra water? Yep, that'd be me. The king of poor life decisions. After hours spent trying to fix the car under the scorching sun, we ended up having to hitchhike to the nearest town.

But wait, it gets better.

We somehow managed to leave Winky behind. I know, I know, I'm a terrible cat parent. We didn't realize Winky was missing until we were miles away. Cue a frantic and guilt-filled journey back to our broken-down car, praying to all the gods that our one-eyed furball was okay.

Thanks to the road trip gods, we found her lounging in the car like she owned the place. I swear, if she could talk, she’d have definitely had some choice words for us.

Then comes the incident in Tennessee. We're at this hole-in-the-wall BBQ joint, and my brother decides to order the spiciest item on the menu. Why? I still don’t know. His face turned redder than a lobster, tears streaming down his face, and he’s choking so hard that I thought we were going to have to call an ambulance. The whole restaurant was staring, and I am pretty sure someone was filming. So, yeah, I'm waiting for that video to show up on some internet fail compilation.

It’s not a road trip without at least one lost item, right? Somehow, we managed to lose not our sunglasses, not our map, but our damn tent. A whole freaking tent! How even? I’m still baffled. We only realized it was gone when we stopped to camp for the night in Missouri. Ended up sleeping in the car, with my brother’s snoring as my lullaby.

The grand finale of this epic fail of a road trip happened on our very last day. Bessie, who had been running surprisingly smooth after the desert incident, decided to give us one last memorable moment. In the middle of a busy highway, she just... stopped. Right there. Dead in her tracks.

It was like a scene from a comedy movie – cars honking, people yelling, my brother and I trying to push this hunk of metal to the side of the road. We eventually got her towed and hitched a ride to our destination.

So yeah, that’s the story of the most disastrous road trip ever. I swear I’m not making any of this up. Despite all the mess and the madness, though, I wouldn't trade this experience for anything. There's something oddly satisfying about surviving a hell-on-wheels adventure.

Just probably won’t do it again. Like, ever.

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