When Old of Gooty Froze My Ass Off

God, okay, where do I even start with this shit-show? So I'm a gamer, right? I mean, who isn't these days? But I guess I'm what you'd call a 'hardcore' gamer. I'm talking scratchy-beard, sweat-pants, haven't-seen-the-sun-in-weeks kind of gamer. And by now, I'm so far down the rabbit hole that I may as well be having tea parties with the fucking Cheshire Cat. And the game? Let's just say it rhymes with "Bold of Gooty," and it's been eating my goddamn life away.

So one night, I'm hunched over my desk like the Hunchback of Notre Dame, grinding out quests until my eyeballs feel like they're gonna pop out of their sockets. Suddenly, I hear these weeeeeird fucking noises from outside. I rip off my headset, thinking it's some sort of alien invasion (yeah, I know, don't judge). I rush outside, and it's my goddamn lawn sprinklers going off. Now, I've been so far up Gooty's ass that I didn't realize it was middle of fucking winter, and I left the damn things on. My lawn's turned into an ice rink, and I look like a damn pinhead standing there, gawking. Long story short, I ended up on my ass, my pride somewhere in the slushy depths of my frosted-over dignity.