"Gym Friend's Sweat: A Breakup Story"

I fucking swear I'm not a creeper but GODDAMMIT, I miss sniffing my ex's hoodie. Had that shit, like, rubbed into my soul, like some sort of a weird dog marking its scent. And then after we broke up (because apparently, falling asleep while she was revealing her deepest, darkest secrets "shows a lack of interest and emotional support"), I shit you not, I'd take that hoodie, sit in my car and do a creepy hoodie sniffing session (could also be an indie album title, amirite?). And then the damn thing starts to lose its smell, so I'm like, "fuck it", and decide to drop by at her place unannounced (because that's how you win people over, right?) with the pretense of returning shit neither of us gave half a fuck about. But, plot twist! She'd already moved on and was - I kid you not - cackling with the guy she said was just a "gym friend". Gym friend my ass. But here's the part where I think I really fucked up: I fucking left the hoodie there, in the same room with them. And you know what's worse than smelling your ex's hoodie? Smelling your ex's hoodie mixed with the Gym Friend's sweat. To hell with people who say cologne is the best-kept secret to attract women, the secret is goddamn sweat. --- Title: Username: